Flying Down
by ResonanceOfWisdom
Summary: Paige reflecting on life. A summary can't explain more than that. Written a year ago for a forum. COMPLETE ONE SHOT.


**Song:** Yesterday's Feelings, The Used

**Character:** The lovely Paige Michalchuk

**A/N:** Now, this is a first attempt at a Paige story for me (Just Paige: her thoughts, her life, without a focus on relationships and interaction with other characters), so it was quite difficult for me to write: especially in the midst of final exam preparations. Yowza. This story doesn't meet the usual standards I set for myself, and any feedback will be appreciated. More importantly, criticism will be appreciated because I love to know what I'm doing wrong. Ironically this little note connects with the story. It is about Paige and standards set by society, peers, and the like in comparison to standards one sets for oneself. Without further ado and far less rambling than I would usually type…here it is.

**Also: **I wrote this around a year ago. And never posted it.

**Disclaimer: **Degrassi is not mine. It belongs to The-N and whoever else. I claim no rights to it, or the song with it. I just wrote this to give my opinion on things.

**Flying Down**

Who am I to think that the world is black and white? Years ago I would have been opposed to dating an older man, yet I dated Matt. The thought of kissing would have given me the creeps because guys were just creeps in general. Drinking was just out of the question. And popularity was only for no-life-losers who need the love of others to survive the teenage years. I thought 'big-kids' were 'grown-ups' when I was a kid. What happened to that innocence?

I'll tell you what damn well happened. Life happened. There was no way I could have avoided being pulled into the horrendous torrential flow of the eternal teenage quest for success among peers. I mean, hello, I got the clothes that magically fit me like a glove, and I got the tight blonde waves that bounce steadily as I make myself seen in the hallway. And, once I'm seen, I hold attention with my hips as the sway in perfect rhythm as I walk. I catch many an eye as I climb to my sky, where my throne lies in wait. If that's not glamorous enough to be popular, then I don't know what is.

I honestly don't know how it happened. I just showed up to school one day and it was a new year, I got a new life, and I was a whole new god damned Paige. I may be a brand new with a brand new mission for a brand spankin' new life, but I'm in a zillion year old world with centuries of one social system. If everything is supposed to be new, why do I feel the same? Well, it did feel the same but now it's so different and strange and confusing, and I just want to fall down and hide.

Today and yesterday, three days from now, five years: It's all blending in, past, present, and future. My road is going nowhere; my sky is getting farther away no matter how hard I try to climb the ladder of my world. I feel like I'm soaring high through the clouds of popularity and adoration. But is it what I really want? Right now I'm not too sure. There are standards for popularity that one has to meet, and I'm not too sure I want to meet them. I want to fly upwards into the caring arms outstretched to me, but I'm scared I'll instead fly down.

_Close my eyes and move to the back of my mind  
Where worries are washed out to sea  
See the changes, people's faces blurred out  
Like the sun spots or raindrops_

How many years have gone by? I've lost count. What does it matter how much has gone by? My grades are decent, my body is filling out nicely, I know who my friends are, and I'm heading the Spirit Squad to boot. That sounds so cliché, but it's true, it's great. Being well-liked isn't as bad as it seemed all those years ago, but I just wish it didn't leave people in the dumps.

For instance, why do I seem to not want this popularity inside my head, when all of my actions make it seem that it's all I want? All I want is a chaos free life where I don't have to live up to anyone else's damn expectations other than my own. I want to be with Alex and not have to worry about everything crumbling up.

There I go again. I guess I'm still retaining some of my old childhood naïveté. The world isn't black and white. If I give into these feelings there's obviously going to be some repercussions. It would be a sudden drop from popularity straight to ridicule. But that would mean I don't know who my friends are.

I'm like one of those carnival hermit crabs, those ones you win by throwing ping-pong balls into tiny jars. I'm all boxed in, in a transparent cage that goes on forever, yet when I try to break free I find the end and I crash. Scraping my nails against the flimsy surface: why is it so hard to crack? And then my captors come my way and ogle me like an animal in the zoo, because I am. Those captors are also my 'friends.' I curl up into a ball momentarily and then realize they can't get to me if I give them what they want. So I move about my invisible cage, take what they give me, and put on a show that makes them love me. Really, popularity is that splendid.

_Now all those feelings  
Those yesterday's feelings  
Will all be lost in time  
But today I've wasted away  
For today is on my mind_

I'm popular and I have a reputation to uphold. I can't lose that respect; I'm not supposed to. Alex…Alex…god damn you for choosing now of all times to strike up chaos.

_**"What do you mean you spent it all?" **_

"I mean I spent it all!"

"How could you be so stupid, Chad?"

"Don't you call me stupid! That's it, I'm leaving."

"No! Where are you going?"

Was that really just last night? The close proximity of her body was startlingly very warming and comforting to me. Yes, that's what that was at the premier, her house, and then mine: close proximity. That's a big word by dumb blonde standards. Not to say that I am dumb, but I'm definitely not the brightest gem on the ring. And big words are rarely in my vocabulary.

There I go again on another of my wild tangents. See what this girl does to me? I don't know how or why. Sure, she's attractive. I'm secure enough in my sexuality to make an observation like that. The girl is hot. I just don't get how she makes me feel like this, whatever this is. I shouldn't be feeling tingly butterflies around her; she's a she, meaning she isn't of the male variety.

Whatever this is I'm feeling, it's probably just a connection: a bond of close, destined-to-be friendship. For some reason I feel like I can't lose her trust and go on living without her. Yeah, Hazel is a fellow Spirit Squad gal, and a friend. I get the feeling it's different with Alex. Our friendship flew up again to a new height when we began working together. How come my stupidity is so great?

_Left the only worries I had in my hands  
Away from the light in my eyes  
Holding tight and try not to hide how I feel  
Cause feelings mean nothing now_

Hazel is fun to talk make-up and boys with: what else are cheerleaders to do? But she judges people based on reputation. Not that I don't care about reps; I've got my cheerleader status to uphold. But she refuses to give the new Alex a chance to be her real self. She doesn't think I'm really Alex's friend, but I am. Alex…I feel like I can trust her to be my friend even if I make a stupid mistake. Hazel would just ditch me.

When Alex was hurt on her living room floor, did that matter to me? Did all of the stereotypes, and possible rumors frighten me? No…I just cared about getting her to safety. Like when we were at the theater and she pushed my hair behind my ear. I cared about seeing that smile and knowing it was for me.

I wanted to say something to the brunette before the inevitable kiss I knew was coming. Maybe I wanted to say something to try to stop it or just to whisper her name before our lips made contact for the first time. I didn't know what I wanted…but I knew this kiss was something I needed to clarify some things for me. Does that mean I did know I wanted that kiss?

A flash of unexpected heat surged through us: between us. We'd already been getting vibes from each other, almost like radiating warmth. But nothing could have prepared me for the fire that roared into being just at the slightest touch of meeting lips. It could almost be described as the heat similar to the heat of a fresh scrape, when the adrenaline kicks in, turning flesh into a fiery inferno, but no. This was different.

The heat was the same, but there was no pain to speak of or think of. There was the bed in all its softness beneath us as Alex became bolder, and I became mesmerized. Again our lips met, this time as more than a whisper of a kiss. This time, I kissed back, before pulling away harshly, in shock. I actually had the guts to do it…why did I stop?

_All those feelings, those yesterdays feelings will all be lost in time  
but today I've wasted away for today is on my mind  
(yeah today is on my mind)_

Whatever: In her mind I think she is nothing. She's nothing to me, not in that way anyway. Maybe if she hates me for a while the rumors will stop and we'll be able to eventually work something out in secret. I do want her. I just...don't…want people knowing? God, I'm horrible!

_Now I can't care to worry  
I'm feeling so lonely  
Breaking apart all this love in my heart_

What's going on in my head right now? World Wars three, four, and five is what's going on in my head right now! Here's this girl, Alex, who is totally amazing and she's doing the damned strangest things to me. Just a couple of days ago I'd have never even thought to think that she's amazingly attractive. That would have been the farthest thing from my thoughts because I would have discarded it and denied it.

Hell, I'm still denying it. Why is she making me feel this way? It's just looking into her eyes right now as we're standing face to face. Now she's putting her hands on my shoulders and drawing me closer with that knowing smile on her face. How is it that she knows what I'm thinking before I do?

She's probably just very intuitive and compassionate and…well, she could possibly feel the same way I am: confused senseless and needing arms to hold her. So now I'm wrapping my arms around her and embracing her. I like this girl more than I should.

But who is to decide who should and shouldn't like who? It should be a matter of who could like who, only to be decided by the parties involved in the liking. Whoa! Paige, slow down. God, I hate it when my head is thinking this fast.

And now she's frowning at me with a smirk on her face. I'd just subjected myself to the humiliation of laughing out loud at my own inner thoughts. Of course, it's not humiliation when one other person witnesses it, and she is someone I trust with possibly anything and everything.

I'm shaking my head and just smiling at her. This girl…girl. That female thing is coming up again. Maybe people at school won't care? Maybe I should just tell Alex that I like her too. And then maybe that will lead to another kiss and some more romantic gazing into each other's eyes as we're clasping our hands together outside her apartment.

I'm blushing and she's wondering why, but I think she knows. She knows me better than anyone right now, so she must know how much I'm loving feeling her body wrapped in my arms. She must know how relaxing it is to me to feel her gently stroking my back soothingly. Who'd have thought I, Paige Michalchuk, would be here with Alex, never mind a girl?

She thought I hated her because I said she was nothing. Maybe Hazel is nothing. Maybe the Spirit Squad is nothing if all popularity is, is a twisted view, in black and white, on who people should be, how people should act, who people should like. Am I still a naïve child if I think I can be with Alex happily without the support of those I thought my friends were? Or am I naïve to hope that maybe Hazel will grow accustomed to the idea I might be gay or at least bisexual? Who knows? All I am sure of right now is that the world is twisted. And, of course, that I like Alex Nunez…and I'm going to do everything to fight my fears. At last I know my fears.

_Close my eyes and move to the back of my mind  
Where feelings mean nothing now  
All those feelings, those yesterdays feelings  
Will all be lost in time (all be lost in time)_

It's weird. Even if I'm no longer popular, I'll still be a hermit crab. But I'll be in the open instead of caged. Those ogling eyes at the zoo will have set me free of those restraints set by standards. Those same damn standards will be there, but I'll be open to my own. I won't curl up into my shell. I'll lash out with my vice-like pinchers and crush my enemies into dust like I always have.

So I'll go out and drink, and I'll kiss, and I'll do the popular thing. The Spirit Squad will have me whether it wants me or not. They'll just have to get used to it. And if they don't want to…too bad because I'm not giving up my spot.

I'm going to keep my wings widespread and soar upwards into the clouds. With this new outlook on life and this new desire for openness and fearlessness, maybe the bad will go away in time. I'll be flying up, not down.

_But today I've wasted away  
For today is on my mind  
For today is on my mind  
Yeah today is on my mind_

I'm going to Banting! It's like a dream come true! I thought I was screwed by that second invisible cage I had built for myself in getting stoned, but somehow I got in. I'm sure Alex will be pleased for me. I know she wants to stay out of the University scene a while and figure out her life, but she can do that in an apartment with me. It will take some imploring, but she will come around and like the idea. I hope she does.

_Now I can't care to worry  
I'm feeling so lonely  
Breaking apart all this love in my heart_

Spinner is finally being accepted back into the group. It's about damn time, though I know I wasn't a big help at first. Ugh! Jimmy was a fool to hold a grudge for so long…but things are working out. It was so great seeing Ashley back again.

Speaking of Spinner…I hope I didn't get his hopes up with the whole sleeping with him bit. I just can't see myself with a guy. I think being with Spinner that one last time, as cruel as it may seem, was a test I laid out before me to see if I still was as attracted to the male species as before. Nuh-uh. I'm all about the girls now! I'm going to miss Alex, but it's obvious that we weren't meant to be together forever. I think we were meant to me a means of transportation of sorts. Our hearts and minds used each other as a bridge to find our real selves. I know I'll find the right one someday, and so will she. Who knows? Maybe I'll come back and we'll be reunited in the future and give it another go.

Now that I think of it, my cage wasn't keeping me down when I wanted to go up. I was doing it to myself. But Banting will be a clean slate. Perhaps instead of striving to soar, I'll start with getting airborne. I'll take small steps in learning how to fly, and I'll never fly down again.


End file.
